The 23rd Birthday Project. Day Four

Forgiveness (Letting go)

“To err is human, to forgive is divine”

'Divine' doesn’t necessarily mean it requires supernatural powers to forgive. It simply shows the magnitude of the act. Letting go of the hurt, pain, anger and ego is not an easy task. 

Negative emotions have a way of clouding the senses and they can be consuming. They make one want to keep still and wallow in them (anti-progression). Anger has the ability to steal away our peace, replacing it with a twisted version of what it was. 

I have felt these emotions. I have been in situations where I struggled to let go, to forgive and move on and I can say it’s really a journey. But I did forgive because above all things in this world, I hold my sanity and peace of mind at the highest pedestal. The hardest person I have had to forgive was myself. Through actions and inactions, I wronged myself. The tricky part is that there is no external being to direct the anger and hurt at. It is all on the inside; pure self-destruction. 

How does one forgive oneself? I’m not sure of the right answer to that question. I should probably get more enlightened 😊. What did I do then to forgive myself? I made a few realisations which helped my journey to forgiveness:

1. I fully acknowledged my mistakes.

2. I was/am still in existence. My mistakes didn’t wipe me off the face of the earth.

3. To get better, I needed to take conscious steps towards doing better.

4. The journey ahead was still far and I needed to do it with less baggage.

5. I was/am never alone.

So with a conscious reminder of these every day, I found my way back to me. One of my recent experience with the 'forgiveness journey' was when I had just graduated from school and came out with a second class lower. I was so disappointed and full of guilt. I could have done better. I knew I could do better, but I didn’t. Everyone else around me including my amazing parents were not upset about it, but I was deeply. I hated having to repeatedly hear the phrase “At least you graduated with your set”; something I wouldn’t have had to hear if…………… Time passed and there was nothing I could do about it. 

My disappointment hung like a cloud over me, which seemed to taint whatever positive thoughts I had. That wasn’t a good way to live. I mean, I had/have so much light in me and many better years ahead. There was no need to keeping living in the past. Gradually, I let go. Fear comes every now and then trying to wiggle its way back but I’ve won already. 

I had a fresh taste of betrayal of trust from a friend who took advantage of my trust. I couldn’t make sense of it. Why would a person knowingly hurt someone that bears no ill intent towards them? Human beings are really complicated. His betrayal had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his self-worth, I couldn’t let myself be dragged into such a pool of abject negativity. 

Life has a variety of characteristics, some of which we can’t explain. People will hurt us intentionally or not, and unfortunately in the same way, we will hurt other people consciously or not. I have come to see forgiveness as a personal choice. We can hear all sorts of advice, read books, etc but until we choose to forgive, that’s only when the change can come.  There is a book I once read titled Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I really love a part where she gave an instance on how to respond to fear. It goes like this -

' “Who do you think you are?” your darkest voice will demand. “It’s funny you should ask”, you can reply. “I’ll tell you who I am; I am a Child of God, just like anyone else. I am a constituent of the universe. I have invisible spirit benefactors who believe in me and who labour alongside me. The fact that I am here at all is evidence that I have the right to be here. I have a right to collaborate with creativity, because I myself am a product and consequence of Creation. I am on a mission of artistic liberation so let the girl/boy go.” '